The weight of a thing

Jul. 27th, 2017 03:33 pm
marina: (Default)
[personal profile] marina
Everything is super hectic and I've slept for 7 hours total in the last 48, and everything is kind of reaching a boiling point that will basically be "resolved" by me going to London (LONDON LONDON LONDON!), but something happened and I feel the need to record.

Almost exactly a year ago, I handed in the first draft of my MA thesis. And my adviser responded, in his usual overall polite way, that the document I sent him, that I took a week off work for, that I wrote for 6 days straight from morning till night, was not even worthy of being called a first draft. It was a first attempt that needed to be scrapped entirely.

Partially this feedback was softened by a phone conversation we later had, where he assured me he believes in me, and these flaws are all fixable, but for a good few days all I had in my head were his written comments, which basically boiled down to "I thought you were a normal person?? but you are apparently a trash fire that should never have been accepted into grad school????"

It was an awful, awful sort of feedback to get, definitely the most demoralizing moment I've ever had in academia. (And like, I triple majored in undergrad, and in grad school finished a course load that was intended for 4 semesters minimum, in 3 semesters. While working FULL TIME in an unrelated field. None of this means I'm good at original research, but getting the "who do you even think you are? clearly you're totally unfit" feedback was really fucking painful.)

Anyway, it's been a year. I spent 5 days straight rewriting the draft. My adviser spent over 6 months not replying to me. (I contacted him after a month, he politely told me to sit down and shut up, I contacted the department 5 months after that, and he responses with "oh no! I totally forgot about you! sorry".

When he finally replied, he told me this rewritten version was about 70% done. Going from a first draft that was ZERO percent done, according to him, to a second draft that was 70%... well. Let's just say I think his initial reaction was WILDLY exaggerated, but you know. Ugh.

I worked evenings and weekends and finally took 2 more days off work, and wrote a new draft, based on his comments. I got it done in the MINIMUM amount of time he allowed. Like, I wanted to submit a revised version 2 weeks after he sent me the comments, but he insisted he was busy and wouldn't read it for 2 months at least. I submitted it on the FIRST DAY he said he'd accept it.

It has been 6 more weeks! He's gotten back to me with comments. I was SO NERVOUS because a lot of his feedback didn't make sense to me, and he wouldn't answer questions, and I was like, I'm going to bring that 70% back down, aren't I? I mean I was a failure on draft #1, maybe this second version was a fluke. I have NO IDEA whether what I'm doing will really improve things.

Anyway. The verdict is in. He has comments and things he wants me to fix and change, obviously, but in the email he sent me? He started it with: "You have written a highly engaging, well-built thesis.

He ended it with: "Your current version is very strong," before listing a few more minor things he'd like to improve.

I'm doing grad school in between work, and trying to unfuck my health, and an attempt at a fiction writing career, and so I never anticipate how much it affects me.

Getting this email was such sweet, sweet vindication. That's right, I fucking did it. I wrote a thing that you admit is GOOD, from 2 drafts back when you were basically calling it garbage.

There are things I'm way more proud of in my life, even in the last year. I don't know why this feels like such an achievement. I'm sure it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to anyone else.

But I feel like I have been clawing at grad school until my fingers are bloody for the past 3 years at least. I've fought to cling to it, to keep up, to get it fucking done, through being homeless multiple times, through essentially becoming paralyzed to the point where I spent 95% of the time I wasn't spending at my full time job lying in bed. Through writing original fiction, which already took every second of my mental energy and the 5% of the time I could actually function.

I've clawed and clawed at this, and it's felt so uncertain, and the journey has been so long, and literally everyone I began my degree with has given up by now, half of them quit the program and the other half declined to write a thesis.

But I wanted this thing, for whatever arbitrary reason (its usefulness to my life will be zero, have no doubt) and I clung, like someone trying to scale a smooth wall with their bare hands, and somehow I managed.

I still have a revised draft to submit, of course. I'll take so long, and be so hard, and take up time I'd rather spend writing fiction. And who knows when/if I'll actually be allowed to submit? (I mean, god willing October? But who knows)

But I wanted to stop and appreciate this moment. The point at which this thesis is actually good enough to submit.

For a while, I wasn't sure I'd get here.
st_aurafina: Audrey ftom Twin Peaks listening at a wall (Twin Peaks: Audrey listening)
[personal profile] st_aurafina
Title: Grandmothers For Peace
Fandom: Wonder Woman
Rating: G
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Diana & Etta
Warnings/Content: Future fic, protests
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: 1958, The Atomic Research Weapons Establishment, Aldermaston

Also at the Archive

Grandmothers For Peace )

Title: Wuthering Heights
Fandom: Riverdale
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Cheryl Blossom/Jughead Jones, Cheryl Blossom/Veronica Lodge, Jason Blossom
Warnings/Content: Canonically dead character
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Cheryl wished people would be more accepting of her brother.

Also at the Archive

Wuthering Heights )

Title: Under the Sycamore Tree
Fandom: Twin Peaks
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Dale Cooper/Audrey Horne
Warnings/Content: Post-S2, The Black Lodge
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: After the explosion, Audrey finds herself in an unfamiliar place.

Also at the Archive

Under the Sycamore Tree )

Title: For Services Rendered
Fandom: The Retired Angel of Death
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Brittany
Warnings/Content: Post-canon, future fic, alien world, seafood
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017. The Retired Angel of Death is a sci-fi short story by Jamie Lackey, about a retired assassin who takes up food blogging and travel. You can read it here: The Retired Angel of Death.

Summary: Brittany has no problems eating meat.

Also at the Archive

For Services Rendered )

Wednesday Yardening

Jul. 26th, 2017 11:59 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Today was sweltering.  We picked up two piles of grass, but that's all I had energy for.  It's raining now. 
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
The July 4, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl made its $200 goal, so you get a free epic. Everyone is eligible to vote in this poll. I'll keep it open until at least Thursday night. If there's a clear answer then, I'll close it. Otherwise I may keep it open longer.

The following poems are available:

"Big Brother and the Cyberbully"
Summary: When a cyberbully does grievous damage, a supervillain makes a calculated counterattack.
106 lines, $53

"The Things That Money Can't Buy"
Summary: A tycoon with an excess of money and an absence of sense or compassion can cut a wide swath through life.
94 lines, $47

"No Power Like the Power of Youth"
Summary: When racist protesters try to invade a largely black neighborhood, they meet with some serious opposition.
142 lines, $71

Poll #18615 Free Epic for July 4, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 18


Which of these should be the free epic?

View Answers

"Big Brother and the Cyberbully"
8 (44.4%)

"The Things That Money Can't Buy"
2 (11.1%)

"No Power Like the Power of Youth"
8 (44.4%)

Poem: "This Hazardous Business"

Jul. 26th, 2017 09:53 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
This poem is spillover from the July 4, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired and sponsored by [personal profile] ng_moonmoth. It also fills the "secret allies" square in my 6-16-17 card for the [community profile] hc_bingo fest. This poem belongs to the Kraken thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.

Warning: This poem contains some intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It touches on passing, bisexuality, multiracial heritage, activism, homophobia, transphobia, mistaken identity, prejudice against people with superpowers, a cat girl, prostitution, a dog boy, homelessness, and other angst. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.

Read more... )
st_aurafina: Sameen Shaw walking in a desert with a hat on (POI: Shaw hat)
[personal profile] st_aurafina
Title: Subtraction
Fandom: Person of Interest
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Joss Carter/Zoe Morgan/Sameen Shaw
Warnings/Content: Canon character death, mourning, threesome
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Vengeance might feel good but it doesn't make things right.

Also at the Archive

Subtraction )

Title: Recovery
Fandom: Person of Interest
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Root/Shaw
Warnings/Content: Sickfic, Root lives, post-series
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Shaw says she has no bedside manner, even though she hasn't left Root's side since the shooting.

Also at the Archive

Recovery )

Title: Favours
Fandom: Person of Interest
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: John Reese/Kara Stanton
Warnings/Content: Pre-series, canon-level violence,
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Kara loves to show John just how much she cares.

Also at the Archive

Favours )
st_aurafina: Natasha Romanova, looking down, against a rainbow background (Marvel: Natasha)
[personal profile] st_aurafina
Title: Aftershock
Fandom: Agents of SHIELD
Rating: G
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Leo Fitz/Framework!Grant
Warnings/Content: Angst, drinking, forgiveness
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Fitz can't leave Grant standing on the doorstep in the rain. (Set post S4 finale, but before that future scene in the diner.)


Also at the Archive

Aftershock )

Title: Date Night
Fandom: Captain America
Rating: G
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Warnings/Content: Flirting, Sam showing off, Steve's notebook of modern facts
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: Sam knows he's being ogled.

Also at the Archive

Date Night )

Title: Air Show
Fandom: MCU
Rating: Teen
Words: 100
Characters/Pairings: Steve/Bucky/Sam/Natasha
Warnings/Content:
Notes: For [community profile] multifandomdrabble 2017.

Summary: After they've found Bucky, they need some time to hide out and recover. (Set after Winter Soldier, on the road trip that should have been.)

Also at the Archive

Air Show )

British culture

Jul. 26th, 2017 03:08 pm
kay_mulan: (Default)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
1 HARD WORK
2 EDUCATION
3 AMBITION
4 ABILITY
5 KNOW PEOPLE

quest

Jul. 26th, 2017 02:50 pm

m not a hater i just love a lot

Jul. 26th, 2017 02:19 pm
kay_mulan: (sailor moon!)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
https://www.youtube.com/user/shakiraVEVO Me enamore
kay_mulan: (mononoke hime)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-40677578 Inuit of 1,000 people win small/major victory.

Also, The Vatican, don't worry about shutting off your fountains. (Said without rancor, but pragmatic, calm, all-knowing voice.) You can keep it on when you're using non-Italian water.

Ow

Jul. 26th, 2017 10:49 pm
dhampyresa: (Default)
[personal profile] dhampyresa
So I got kicked in the chest last Sunday. Well, upperchest/shoulder. Swimming: a more dangerous sport than you'd expect!

Was okay most of Monday, then began hurting in the evening. It's been hurting, with varying degrees of intensity, ever since. I hurt more in the evenings than mornings, but overall I thinkit's getting better. (I have an unrelated doctor appointment on Friday, so if it still hurts by then, I'll bring it up.)

Anyway, I've been taking it easy and avoiding moving that shoulder. That's why I've been mostly off the internet for now. Tomorrow I'll off the internet because I'm going to see Valerian! That should be more fun.
kay_mulan: (the vine)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
Maybe you can find it on the internet: by the way, did you know that the United States in May/June bombed Syria and Afghanistan?

I "heard" it on the news. (Los Angeles Times)

Yeah, *that* won't hurt the children at *all.*

Jingo Jingo Xenophobe

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:45 pm
kay_mulan: (lorne red suit)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
http://www.aljazeera.com/news/2017/07/house-approves-russia-iran-korea-sanctions-170726043821838.html Why would we have a problem with Russia right now? What we can learn from President Trump is that business with Russia from an American's standpoint probably means money for both. Perhaps it *is* unconstitutional that his family members (daughter, sons, son-in-law) are working from the White House. Also, it shows a lack of... knowing enough good people to staff yourself with competency, to field the international scene with dignity, experience, credibility. Would white people please stand up and say there's nothing wrong with adopting Russian children who need homes? I myself probably wouldn't be able to take care of anybody in California's foster system in the next five years. But I would hope to, in the future, regardless of the color of the child. http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2017/01/russia-happy-trump-170128122539696.html I don't think "the ordinary Russian" really gives a happy flying cufk that Donald Trump won the presidency.

fyi

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:39 pm
kay_mulan: (cup of hot water)
[personal profile] kay_mulan
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/philippines-duterte-bomb-schools_us_5978a607e4b0e201d57a2313?kuqh&ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009 The 50 year old "Communist rebellion" mentioned in this article is non-existent.

The "Muslim insurgents" I read somewhere are Islamic State -not from the country- radical forces that have decimated the Lake Lanao/Marawi region, who have used the name ISIS.

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags